i feel.
just everything.
anger... madness.. a need to scream at someone for things they had no idea they done.

i feel like..
a giant whole has just been dug out of my heart.. taking with it all my hopes, disappointments, illusions and dreams, that will never be.
Its like a big empty crevasse has been left behind.. and i don't know what to fill it with. It's impossible to define the capacity for love an of a human heart. U can't say its a 100%, cos.. when something/someone else comes along, we always find the capcacity to love even more.
to care even more.

But i want God to fill it even more with His love in me. may sound all fine and dandy.. but doing it.. experiencing it is So hard

I'm so happy to finally understand. to see the light. to know.
I KNOW NOW. I WISH I KNEW EARLIER. maybe i did. maybe it was clear from the beginning. but i never wanted to see it.i need a new perspective.
i need a new BRAIN!
i need a new memory to reprogram how i think.
i wish i could forever forget some things, or feel the way about stuff

I am happy, i am sad, i am angry
but i'm not hurt. cos u can only be hurt by someone else..
and this is just me.
and my sudden realisation of the way things are going to.. forever meant to be.
i feel disgusted by myself

i am so frustrated.
and yet.
i want to be free from it all.
and i know this is part of the process i'll have to go through.
and of being shaped.

i feel like crying.. but the rational side of me kicks in.. just not emotional enough.
don't care THAT much to cry.
i just need time to heal once more.

Sugar high
Needing one now
Getting it with absolute junk
Mooncakes
Tic tocs (those kiddy sugar coated biscuits..haha)
Milo with extra condensed milk
Sugar crackers
Chocolate cake
Pineapple tarts
The list goes on…

Why?
Cos I got 300 plus more words to write for my assignment..
And since I have no motivation.. (or adrenalin to push me thru)
sugar will be my friend :)
Shaddup all u health freaks out there who talk abt the de-blah short term effects of sugar.
All I need is short term
After all.. its only 300 words.

Oh. Craving for black forest cake at the moment.
A really nice one.
Not those cheesey artificially flavoured asian types..
But one with real dark cherries..alcohol infused choc sponge.. and yummy cream and strawberries…Arrrrrggggghhhhhhhh
No thanks to PeiKee and her abosulutely deliciously looking dessert recipe bk..
When L and I poured through it with her..
And we both gave the black forest 2 thumbs up and 2 scraps of paper (to make it extra important) to bookmark the page.
Haha. Now. Someone. Bake it.

Girls... we are confusing aren't we?
we want.. and we don't want.

Scenario:
2 (girl) friends too embarrassed to asked a guy to pick them up cos it was a big detour
(even though he willingly agreed the night before)
so.. they called me in the morn.. and told me they were taking the train to chadstone instead!
Me (so totally not paiseh to refuse ride): WHy?!?!?
and i offered to pick the girls up frm the city so he could juz pick all of us up at my place.
2 girl friends: Hmmm... Ok!

so.. poor me.. calls guy up.. and explains the whole confusing situation
and guys being guys.. go " So what's the difference if u pick them up or i pick them up?"
me " i dunno??"
and then he goes " You DON'T pick them up.. if they wanna take the train, then we can't force them, can we? i'll come get u then!"

Sooo.. i call girls back.. and told them to take the train if they want to.. (though he is still ok with the detour) and that i can't force them to take the car if they don't want to.

and GIrlS being GIRLS when faced with a choice like that... go
"okokokok!! he can pick us up!!"

so fickle minded creatures we are huh.

Is it possible for a person to be “too nice”?
genuinely tooooo nice?
That others are embarrassed from being perceived as demanding and making use of the person?
Does it hurt the too nice person for getting rejected when they offer something, when its not their fault in anything?
But that pple just feel bad about accepting?
How far, how much do we receive from an individual..
And how much more do we receive from God, and endlessly take without feeling embarrassed or grateful.
Dunno.. juz making a parallel analogy I guess..
And pondering.. whether I AM being too manipulative.

----------------------------------------------------------------
On another note,
CG was drama last night
CGL and BS leader blew up at each other,
While debating a point during discussion
Resulting in BS person walking off in the middle of BS
?!?!?!?!?!!!?
As our CG was only 7 pple big,
And CGL obviously was steaming and not talking,
Everyone looked at me.
Right.
Picked up the BS material, kicked the person next to me under the table (making sure she was going to answer the nx qn I asked)
And rambled on about BS (bull****)
We got thru.
I’m still alive, no one has killed each other yet
But now, I have a new CG prob.
Doublesighs.

i asked for a hug this morning
and got a full on bear- suffocating- hug and BIG SMOOCH on the cheek from my lovely 5 year old.
i got tackled by 4 kids who all decided i was "it" and "taupok-ed" me and all grabbed my legs and waist and back.
i'm tired.

Duck!!
I wasn't really gonna blog about this.. but.. why not!
After much confusion about bookings..last min msn chats

we ended up in an extremely chinese resturant.. all dingy lantern lighting and all.
only thing on the menu
Peking Duck.
those that know me will know.
Joy does NOT like peking duck
peking duck = duck skin = *shake head-no* i am not gonna stuff duck fat voluntarily down my throat
or any other fat/skin for that matter
(i gave simon extremely disgusted looks duing dinner a couple of days ago when he ate his crispy belly pork.. by the end of dinner.. he was scraping off all the fats. haha)

so anyway.
i got 2 pple busily fighting on msn to sit next to me.. due to my willingness to give up the artery clogging stuff at this apparently very famous peking duck place.

What actually happened:
Boss of place.. extremely eccentric elderly chinese guy welding a very sharp knife.
"Place the Spring Onion and the Cucumber at the quarter-past-three position!!"
"No! so SLOW! hurry up! pass the pancakes along!(While flipping pancakes onto everyone's places)
"No! Not enough meat! Where do you think we are? Ethiopia?!" (While holding duck and sharp knife in each hand)
"MORE SaUCE!"(slaps sauce all over your pancake)
" Flip it .. etc etc etc.."
Finally.. he stops. satisfied with our progress..
and
waits expectantly for everyone to take their first mouthful and exclaim at the wonder of his duck

While i sit there with a silly smile plastered on my face..
and a huge piece of golden crispy duck skin sticking out of my pancake...
and had no choice (unless i wanted to be kicked out of the resturant)
but to take one big bite of:
duck skin
spring onion
cumcumber

Urghs.
it's good.
i admit.
its nice. very good duck.
but... its not something i will voluntary eat.
and it SEEMed he just kept GIVING me ALL the big pieces of skin..
(which i was secretly swapping with the birthday boy next to me)
everyone else on the table was happy.
they got all my duck skin.

and the rest of the dishes were super with the duck.
and i had a lovely time catching up with u guys.
Happy birthday BHD.

i'm crying and crying and crying as i write this.
all my big fat tears rolling down my cheeks i can taste the saltiness of it.

my dad wrote me a poem today.
i knew i was going to cry before i opened the email.
knew it.
and i thank you for everything.
for loving me so much.
for just so many memories.. as we all grow one year older.
of how much you miss me.

how i feel.. when i see the kids at kinder growing up.. thinking of them 10-15 years down the track..
and i think of you, and how you must feel. seeing me grow up. seeing me leaving home.
seeing me.. on the cusp of being an adult in this big world.
i've got so many big dreams..
ready to fly
but i guess i'll always be a little girl.
your little girl
i know you always want the best for me in everything
to give me every opportunity.
how u feel sad when u scream at me.. teaching me parking..
and i don't even remember it later on when i am reminded.
though mom and dad.. u will never readthis,
(and yes i will give them a lovely reply)
i love you so much.