why the pple I care about just don't seem to care

why my hsemate irritates me so, and makes me feel guilty after

why some pple in the world have to get picked on, be outcasted

why i have a horrible sore throat after easter camp
(actually..i can answer this one.. haha)

easter... part of the tradition..
hot cross buns!
endless supply everywhere...
don;t question me on its meaning.. symbolism or if its pagan.
I don't know.
i just know they taste good.
haha.

the ones at bakers delight are so good. reckon they've just about perfected their recipe.. each choc chip one comes with at least a hundred choc chp in each one! try beating that.

Know easter is sort of over.. but we still have loads of em at home. yums.
fruit or chocolate chip bun anyone?

that's the line uttered by yours truly for the 000th time..

This year, many things have changed.
I realise how transient friends are.
Yet i also know that I have a God that provides.
Through each year and each season,
He has been faithful in provision..

That through frm 2001 to now..
the pple that have kindly and in brotherly love sent me home frm OCF..
Each year.. He provided.
I'm thankful.

The people I've lived with through my years in melb
Each being such a blessing.. such a support
To those who have left.. to those still living with me
Changing and growing me in so many ways.
That when i fall,
they are there, always ready to catch me.

Now, i don't know where things are among friends.
I have no one i really want to go out with.
I rather stay at home.
I just want my parents.
And all will be good.
I want to just be loved.

Sometimes i stare at my phone in disappointment.
It's never been this quiet.
That i just think.. What's happened?
Weird.
Makes me wonder where i'll be next year.

I complain lots to jan jan..
but she too.. has her life now
I'm happy for her.
and so.. i still wonder...

God is good.
All the time

Through the last 2 weeks. It's been bad.
Internet in the hse died the NIGHT before presentation when i had practically 0% of it done.
Was hyperventilating for 1/2 hr.. imagining having to stay over at a fren's place for the night... having no sleep... being SO stressed.
8pm already and NO PRESENTATION for the nx morn.
could see the future flashing before me.. my marks.. my supervisors.. arghs.

Thank God for dial up and an ancient connection we have on our computers that allowed us internet access ( at a relatively ex price) but a that moment. Who cares.

Was so stressed the 2 weeks.. couldn't eat much. Think i lost 2 kgs.. (which i have heh heh gained back over easter camp (thats another story))
But God is faithful. And i thank Him for all the verses.. songs..that He placed in my heart..to keep me going.. to keep reminding me that i'm not alone.. that.. "all things are possible".

It;'s been the crappiest time ever ever in all my hospital placements.. really struggling.. even now.. nearly a week since its over.. i'm so scared. I have so many doubts. Wondering if i'll ever make it through this year. I'm scared of failure.

God teaches many things. I never failed when i was in Sg.. (except maths.. haha) and even then, God proved that the end of it that He has a plan. I've failed more times in Aust on a bigger scale than ever in sg.. my driving test.. (all that $$..^%$%$#) among other things.. but He still shows that at the end of the day.. looking at the big picture is what matters.

God, help me know you are with me. Help me know you have a plan and a purpose in where and what you have placed me in. That in every place i go, You go before me and prepare the way. Help me to trust in You.

There's heaps of things to say.
where do i start?

I'm glad i'm done at cardio at hospital. (no initials cos don't all hospitals go by initials anyway?!haha)
It STANK. don't get me wrong. hospitals aren't the sweetest, cleaniest smelling places in the real world, (unless on ER).. but this one was suffocating.
walking in through the doors and u could smell the suffocation.
Each ward had its OWN smell on top of it. Musky day old meals mingling with human "ahem" smells.. and just the oldness of the place. Urghs.

Going up to a patient who hasn't bathed in 2-3 days.. and asking them brightly and cheerfully to take a DEEP BREATH after their surgery (like they want to) and having to DEMONSTRATE in front of them.. having to take in putrid body odour is enough to make me wanna puke immediately and run out of the room.
My poor stethescope. Dang. Forgot to disinfect it for the last time when i left the building.

Combine that with supervisors who's catch phrase is " erm hmm.. What else" repeated 10 times in your face in response to an answer you give when they ask a question... the frantic running through of all possibilities of treatment and digging up of knowledge from the deepest, most dusty recesses of your memory. Hoping telepathy will somehow rub off in a zing so u can at least look intellegient in front of them.
Haiz.

Oh and a InDiAN supervisor with eyes so big.. they look like they're gonna pop out of her head when i strangle her *Ally McBeal moment* juz downright nasty.. prob wants to acquire a reputation as a mean supervisor and be notoriously famous among students or something. Pah.

i HATED HATED HATE HATE HATE IT!!!!
ok. out of the system.
I HATE this so much i'll prob delete this entry soon. I never wanna remember the placement again. Hospital Hell. I don't understand why any of them want to work there in that particular physio speciality. They all aren't very nice to each other. My friend, LP and I agree.. we are NEVER working there. ever.

to clean up the mess when i can't walk a straight line across my room.

ha.

In the midst of preparing dinner for a friend.. (WHY did i invite him over??) cos i'm feeling very nice! beef brisket noodles and apple crumble with custard. Ok.. don't question the weird fusion of main meal and dessert. But guys eat anything and everything anyway.

On another note.. moomba was nice last night.. fireworks.. it's such a tradition. taking a stroll in the balmy warm saturday night..past the quietness and trees lining st kilda and being greeted by the massive crowds by yarra river banks. Waiting impatiently for the explosive grandeur of thousands of dollars bursting into intricate patterns of light. And the acrid smell of gunpowder- like smoke blanketing the river banks and surrounds. And of course.. bumping into countless pple and acquantainces while squeezing through the throngs of thoudands.
It was nice. In a nostalgic way. I remember each year's moomba in my mind's eye. The different pple i've gone with through the years. Oh how things have changed.

Will i be around to see it next yr?